did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
