Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
