Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
