I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
