She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
