you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
