Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
