i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
