You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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