When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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