1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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