I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he shaved USA in his pubs
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Randomize
