My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
