i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
