Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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