Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
