he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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