I wish I could punch you in the face.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
