his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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