i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
