I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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