i always forget guys have bellybuttons
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
