I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
