Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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