Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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