Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
