My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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