peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
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He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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