I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
