I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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