true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
