i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
