im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
