dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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