Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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