I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
