can we get nightvision for the apartment?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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