It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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