you turned your livingroom into a bong?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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