You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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