i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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