I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
