Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
