RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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