He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
