We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
