Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
