she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
