Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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