Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
