I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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