Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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