The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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