Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
