Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
