you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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