Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
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how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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