How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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