I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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