This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
