We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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